Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The question of the day...

A friend asked me this queston today "You've tried to lose weight before right - successfully once or twice in the past, less successfully in recent years. So what is different this time?"

It's a combination of many things. In the past I've wanted to lose weight for various reasons. I'm sure that they were all good reasons, but not necessarily the right reason. Not necessarily the reason that I could feel deep down.

First of all I want to be an active part of this amazing family DH and I have built. I was raised in a family that got up went to school/work came home ate watched TV slept then got up and did it again. There was nothing else. Nothing much out side the family and survival. This family DH and I have built isn't like that. We participate more in the world because we want to be a part of it. Volunteering, gardening, homeschooling, church, bike riding, even running for political office.(DH is running for school board again) etc.

Even with all this going on I was feeling very left out. Always behind, even on vacation I took pictures of DH and DD as they raced ahead and I drug myself behind. Rarely enjoying things, struggling to keep up, often sending them on ahead. Then DDstarted staying back with me. She started gaining weight. She'd rather sit home and watch TV. I don't want her to be me. I want her to live her life. I want to live mine.

That's still not all. I finally looked at who I am and I didn't like it much. Sure I'm (usually) a nice person. I try to be. But a lot of the things I want/wanted to do with my life are just not possible weighing 100 lbs more than I should. The bike tour is one of them. I'm a relatively small person. 5 foot 3 inches, small bones. I cannot go on a long bike ride and haul an extra 100 lbs up hills and keep up with my family. I can't even keep up on a short ride with small hills. Our last vacation back east, I missed several things because I just couldn't keep up with the walking in the heat. I used to be able to fool myself that I was "healthy" even if over weight and that I could do anything I wanted to do. I was lying to my self. I quit lying to my self.

The Bike ride is a tangible goal, and I think that's important too. It’s something the whole family has to work to achieve, I have to lose weight and get in shape, DD had to learn to ride a bike and get in shape, DH has to figure out how in these financially stressful times to find enough money to get the bikes etc to make the ride. He says I have the harder job here. I'm not so sure of that, it's going to be expensive.

Another big thing is DH and DD supporting me in this huge change. My WW meetings are supporting me in this. You guys are supporting me in this. Not because I’m fat and need to lose weight, But because I want and need to do this. It's a huge thing. It's going to take a lot of time and effort.

All my life I'd compromised and said good enough is good enough, even in my weight loss efforts. I'd lose a few lbs and say I feel better it's good enough. Good enough isn't good enough this time. I'd diet for a while and say I tried and I can't do it. "I tried" isn't good enough. If what I try isn't working I need to try something else. I don't remember who said, "Insanity is trying the same thing over and over and expecting to get different results."

Before when I dieted I'd say I want to lose x # of lbs but I could be happy losing less. This time I want to be in a healthy weight range. For my height and age. 135-140 is healthy. 138 is in the middle somewhere and exactly 100 lbs below where I started. 100 llbs is a good round goal number. It is a concrete number. I can celebrate mini goals but only as mini goals, as landmarks, not as an end point, not as good enough. I'm trying to make my mini goals mean something. This week I am below the lowest weight I've been since I got married 13 years ago. My next goal is only about 9 lbs away. 199. I haven't been below 200 lbs in over 25 years. After that my mini goal will be size 18 clothes. I think I was about 21 the last time I wore something that didn't come from that special store for fat women. I want to be able to go into any store and find clothes that fit me. At size 18 I'll be able to find something. After that I don't know exactly what my mini goal will be. I may just shoot for the final goal at that point.

So I guess it’s not a single thing. It’s is a bunch of things. It’s a lifetime of stuff catching up with me. It’s finally being ready, having all the supports in place and really needing to do this to be who I want to be. The moon and stars are aligned and it is working.

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