Friday, March 27, 2009

My name is Kathy, I'm fat and it sucks.

Some days I don't feel fat at all. Some days I'm overwhelmed by being fat. It's not the appearance of being fat that bothers me, or the people that judge you because you are fat. It's the struggle to do day to day things. The struggle to not be obsessed with food, either the eating or the NOT eating food. The daily aches and pains of going up and down stairs. The not wanting to do something because I'm hauling around this whole extra person and that makes it so much harder to do things. The feeling sorry for my self because I'm not one of those naturally thin people.

Today I'm taking DD and her friend to the pool. I used to take them and just hang out in the corner of the pool. In the last few weeks I've started swimming laps and playing with the kids when I'm in the pool. Instead of half an hour we stay a couple of hours. It's an improvement. I've also started riding my bike on the trainer inside. When I started I was dripping sweat, in pain and couldn't go on after 18 minutes. Now I am dripping sweat, in pain and can't go on after 28 minutes. It's an improvement. (OK not huge, but huge for me!)

Most of the time I try not to get down or dwell on being fat. Right now with all this work on losing weight and getting in shape I'm kind of smacked upside the head with is all day long. The challenges seem unending. The fat seems to cling and my image of me is slow to change. I don't see myself as fat, I wasn't as a teen. But then I don't often look in the mirror. I looked for a picture of me to put on the blog... and didn't find one. Nothing more recent than several years ago.

I guess I need to bite the bullet and take some pictures. I'll hate them. I always do. But how will I see me change, How will I see progress, if I don't. I did take some measurements but not till I'd lost almost 20 lbs, before that I couldn't face it. Maybe soon you'll get to see the real me. Maybe someday I'll get back to the real me.

For today, I need to catch up. I only got 3 points yesterday so I need to get an extra 2 points today to make my goal of a 5 points a day average. I think can pick them up at the pool depending on how long we stay and how many laps I can do. If I can do laps for an hour and play with the girls for an hour that should get all 7 points. If not I'll need to ride on the trainer for for awhile to pick up another point. They should be able to keep themselves busy at the pool for an hour or so while I do laps. Maybe DH will go with us and spend some time in the gym and some in the pool.

If I knew someone with a magic wand that could grant my every wish I'd wish to be tall skinny and beautiful. Since I don't know anyone with a magic wand, I guess I'll just have to keep working on it. Maybe some day I'll get my wish to be if not skinny at least not fat. The tall and beautiful part I can't do much about but I wasn't tall, skinny and beautiful when DH married me so I guess thinner, healthier, and more energy will at least be a major improvement.

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